France's birthday dun dun DUUUN
by UnhelpfulPanda
Summary: 2010-up 2011-up
1. 2010

its late, im upset because my spirit guide never came when I contacted him/her (must've done something wrong), and tomorrow I'm getting my retainers. so enjoy this, thanks. by the way, France is a bit out of character, but that's because he's never been in love before and love makes you change. idk, but this is one of my favorites

* * *

"America!" said nation froze, turning to see England looking more determined than before.

"I'm not having a naked party!" America shouted. England groaned.

"Why do you have to be so stubborn? It's for France. He got me a really good Christmas present, so…" England trailed off.

"No!" America shouted again. England pulled off his own shirt.

"Take off your clothes," He ordered. America scoffed, turning to leave. "Fine, you bloody git, then I'll do it for you!" America was pinned to the wall.

"Damn it, England, you can't top me!" America screamed. England struggled with America's shirt.

"I'm going to smack you so hard-!" England warned. America gave in, pulling his shirt off over his head and making his glasses go crooked.

"Fine! You're paying for this tonight," America threatened. England blushed and watched America take off his pants.

"While you finish decorating, I'll lure the other nations here," England explained putting the phone to his ear. America threw his boxers at the Brit. "Bloody twat," England hissed.

England's facial expression changed, signaling someone had answered his call to Canada. "Oh! Prussia! Listen, you can help me, you know. So France's birthday is today, yes? Well, can you come over and have a naked surprise birthday party for him with us? And…yes, strip Canada too. Oh, he can sacrifice one day of his dignity for his father! I am, and America is…no, we weren't doing anything before!"

America rolled his eyes and fixed his glasses. This was going to be a long day.

* * *

Liechtenstein contemplated ways to surprise her brother so she could tie him up and give him as a present. Switzerland wouldn't be that angry…would he? Liechtenstein grabbed for Switzerland's phone as it rung, snatching it before Swissy could answer it.

"Hello, Switzerland's phone, Liechtenstein speaking. No, I can't. I'm trying to find a way to tie him up for France's birthday present. I'm not stripping my brother; France can do that himself. Okay, bye England," Liechtenstein hung up. Swissy mewed.

"Liechtenstein, who was that?" Switzerland asked, turning the corner into the kitchen. Liechtenstein picked up the nearest frying pan and hit the Swiss boy over the head with it. He fell to the floor with a groan.

"Quick, Swissy, help me tie him up!" She ordered. Liechtenstein and her cat had managed to tie up Switzerland before he came out of his dazed state. "Good job!" she smiled.

"Mew?"

"…how are we gonna get him to France's?"

* * *

France waltzed down the street, humming to himself and scratching absently on his beard. He went to the bank and flirted with the lady at the counter until she called for security, and then he got a call from England just as the security guard started to drag him out of the bank.

"Bonjour, Angleterre!" France greeted. There was shouting and screaming in the back, but suddenly all went silent.

"Can you come over to my house for a moment? I have something to discuss with you, Frog," England replied, though he was breathing heavily.

"Ah~, mon cher, are you playing dirty, kinky games with Amerique again?" France had to admit, that statement also served to make the security guard back off.

"O-oi, you bloody frog, you keep your mouth shut!" England usually did that when he meant yes. France laughed.

"Okay, okay, I'll drop by!" France smiled.

"I'll see you in a few minutes."

* * *

France opened the door to England's house without knocking and walked in. "Angleterr-!" France jumped back with a yelp. A bunch of naked nations jumped out of hiding places. Naked. Nations. France held his nose.

Romano threw a tissue box at the Frenchman's face, though he hadn't been trying to be helpful. France laughed. "Thank you, Angleterre!" He smiled.

"Switzerland couldn't come," England replied. France frowned.

"Why not?" He asked. America shrugged.

"I don't know. Liechtenstein picked up and told England that Switzerland refused to have anything to do with you," America informed.

'_I'm glad I lied to you, America_,' England thought, irritated. France looked startlingly depressed now. He instantly cheered up, though. "Let's feel up some vitals, oui?"

With a scream, Romano darted away from Spain. The older man blinked. "Romano~!" he whined, chasing after the Italian. France laughed lecherously.

* * *

France let himself into his own house, sighing. It had been hard to pretend it was the best birthday ever. In fact, it was quite wonderful. Who would have thought England would actually throw him a naked party? America and England both got smashed before France left. He was glad he installed that camera in England's room. Who knows what juicy blackmail he'd get? And then he could make quite a few Euros by selling the footage to Hungary.

France glanced into the kitchen. He hadn't eaten any of England's cooking (he could have sworn something on one of the plates winked at him!) but he really wasn't in the mood to eat, let alone cook.

France started to practically drag himself down the hall to his room. He tripped over a small box by his door. Ignoring it, as he'd just open it in the morning, France turned the doorknob and let himself into his bedroom.

"France, you turned my own sister against me!" France snapped his head up at the sound of the Swiss boy's voice. Switzerland continued to struggle in the confinements of his rope prison. "Untie me so I can go get my gun and blow your fucking head off!" Switzerland shouted.

France's gaze drifted down to the knife strapped to Switzerland's leg. Where he could easily reach it. Hm… "Why didn't you just use the knife that only you and I know about to cut the rope?" France questioned. He turned and grabbed the box in the silence that followed his inquiry

'_I took away his weapons. He wasn't screaming when I left him, but his face was red. Could he be hurt? I didn't hit him that hard with the pan. ~Liechtenstein_' France looked up at Switzerland, still struggling to find an answer to the question. He was biting his lip, too. France smiled at the adorable look of frustration on the Swiss boy's face.

'_Shit, I didn't think he knew about my knife! Fuck it all, I was going to say it but now I've chickened out and I can't! And damn it, I'm not ready to do anything…_' Switzerland's cheeks heated up at the thought of doing anything like that with France.

France crossed the room, putting a hand on Switzerland's forehead. "You have a fever," He commented. Switzerland shifted his mint-green eyes away.

"Untie me! I want to go home! I hate you!" Switzerland shouted, pulling away from France's touch. '_Fuck, I said the opposite of what I wanted!_' Switzerland's eyes squeezed shut.

France felt the words pierce his heart like a dagger. He unstrapped Switzerland's knife from his leg and cut the ropes for him. Switzerland gasped. "Fine then, go." France could hear the bitter edge to his voice. '_He hates me…this is the worst day ever. What's happening to me?_'

Switzerland looked up at France, awe etched on his face. '_He must actually care about me too...well, he did say at America's party…but I assumed it wasn't like that anymore. Anyone else and he would have done whatever with them. He…he actually likes me still_!' Switzerland felt so ashamed of himself.

"Well, what are you waiting for! Go!" France snarled, turning on his heels and storming into the kitchen.

Switzerland stumbled to his feet and padded to the kitchen doorway. France was slumped in one of the chairs, head resting on his makeshift pillow of his arms, looking like he was trying to carve harsh words into the white wall in front of him.

Switzerland took a deep breath. He was a strong country, a strong country, and yet he couldn't utter three simple words and tag on a name to them? France looked up at Switzerland, raising his head from his arms. "Didn't I tell you to go home already?" He bit out.

Switzerland surged forward, pressing his lips to the surprised Frenchman's. Before France could even process, the younger blonde had backed up, cheeks red, and ran off.

France put a finger to his lips. It definitely wasn't his first kiss, not even close, and it wasn't his first kiss from someone who actually mattered either. Joan was the first, but she…_let's not_, France scolded himself.

"He hates me but he kissed me…" France muttered to himself. Whoever said men were easier to understand than women was a complete and utter liar. That person hadn't met Switzerland, and let's not even mention Finland or England or, thank God for that guy, Romano.

France let his head fall to the table with a loud 'clunk!' He fell asleep there

* * *

awwww~, you've gotta wait for Switz's birthday, mkay guys? And I love this pairing, no bashing. by the way, some may say that faving is love, but do you know how much joy it gives a writer such as myself to see a review? Like, honestly, guys. The first review I ever got told me my story was great and to keep writing, and I literally started crying. Seriously, you guys don't know how it makes me feel. It is you guys that slowly raise my low-self-esteem. you guys and my girlfriend. and my friends. never mind that, REVIEW PLEASE!


	2. 2011

yay! hope you enjoy!

* * *

France waited in the closet for his target. Any second now, he would be passing. Any second. Was that him? No, the footsteps were England's. Is-? No, that was Canada, but that meant...there he was. France chuckled evilly.

"What was-mmph!" France clamped a hand over Prussia's mouth and pulled him into the closet. "Franny, what the hell? Kidnapping is totally not awesome!" Prussia hissed.

"Shh, Antoine is coming," France shushed. Prussia nodded. France reached out and grabbed the clueless Spaniard.

"Wait, this isn't the Meeting Room..." the Spaniard stated, blinking.

"Shut up, Tonio!" Prussia ordered.

"Gilbert?"

"Shh!" France shushed.

"Francis?" Spain smiled brightly. "Mi amigos!" He cried. Prussia pinched his nose.

"Be quiet, you Ball-Chin!" He demanded. Spain felt his chin.

"Que? I don't have balls on my chin..." he trailed off.

* * *

Hungary, Belgium, and Belarus were conversing about shoes when a golden tomato rolled over in front of the three of them. Hungary picked it up. "To the most beautiful" was inscribed into the side.

"Oh, this is mine, then!" She smiled. Belgium scoffed.

"Everyone knows I'm the most beautiful," She stated, taking the tomato from the brunette. Hungary glared at her.

"I beg to differ." Belgium glared back. The two started to argue loudly.

"Stop fighting!" Belarus finally shouted. They both went silent. Belarus took the tomato from Belgium's hand. "Besides, you both know it was intended for me," she added.

Hungary and Belgium both punched her in the face, and the three started to fight over the tomato. The Bad Touch Trio laughed evilly and ran off.

* * *

Denmark and Netherlands were leaning against opposite walls, glaring at each other. Prussia walked between them with a big hat.

"What's with the stupid red hat?" Denmark scoffed.

"It's blue, you idiot," Netherlands corrected. Denmark glared at the Dutch man.

"No, dumbass, its red." Denmark replied. Netherlands rolled his eyes.

"Are you colorblind, you asshole? Its obviously blue!" Denmark stood up straight.

"It's red, you fucking dickhead!" He retorted. The Dane and the Dutch started to argue. Prussia ran up to France and Spain, high-fiving them. Spain took off the hat, staring at the blue side and then turning it to see the opposite side was red.

"I get it!" He cried. His friends grabbed him and ran off.

* * *

America was walking along, nomming on his hamburger, when a voice called, "Hey fatty!" America stopped, looking around. He was the only one there, so someone must be talking to him.

"Who's there?" He pouted.

"Nobody! What's wrong with you, you unawesome pig!" the voice shouted. America glared at his surroundings.

"Nobody, you jerk!" He insulted.

"Your penis is microscopic! I know because I saw those tiny condoms Russia made you!"

"Hey, shut up about that!" America whined.

Suddenly, a tomato hit America in the face. He started to throw a fit, attracting attention from England and Canada.

"What happened, brother?" Canada asked.

"Nobody threw a tomato at me!" America replied. Canada blinked.

"What is going on with you?" England scolded.

"Nobody called me fat and a pig and Nobody made fun of my penis and Nobody hit me with a tomato!" America complained. England took Canada's hand and stormed off. "Arthur~!" America whined.

The Bad Touch Trio died laughing, running off.

* * *

It was half an hour before the meeting. Poland was fixing his hair when France walked up to him. "Looking beautiful, my old ally," France smiled pleasantly. Poland shrugged.

"I try."

"I wanted to tell you the meeting was pushed back four hours," France explained. Poland got up.

"Oh good, because I'm starving. Are you sure? I heard today we get our group picture taken. Well, thanks for telling me!" Poland smiled. France walked off, turning the corner and meeting up with his friends. They snickered and ran off.

* * *

Finland had brought Hanatamago with him today. He knew he shouldn't have, but the dog was good and sat by his chair, only whimpering when Germany yelled at everyone. Finland was hungry, however, so he stopped by a food stand.

"Hanatamago, stay," He ordered. Hanatamago barked to signify that she understood. Satisfied, Finland went to buy himself some lunch.

Spain walked along, whistling innocently, until he reached Hanatamago. The dog looked up at him, confused. Suddenly, he grabbed her and ran, meeting up with Prussia and France and taking off.

When Finland returned, he found Hanatamago to be gone. He knew his dog would not have ran off. Someone must have stolen her.

A change came over Finland then. His face grew dark, and a blood-red aura surrounded him. Russia, who was walking by, noticed the aura. He used to have a purple one like that. Why was it coming from Finland?

"Finland, are you alright?" Russia asked. Finland looked up at him, eyes glowing red.

"Where's my dog?" He roared. Russia backed up.

"Sveeeeedeeeeeen!"

* * *

France was petting Hanatamago as Prussia and Spain kept guard. Prussia signaled that Finland was coming, so France hurriedly hid the dog.

"Where's my dog?" Finland snarled at the unfortunate nation who passed him. He had an evil aura around him. "I'll murder you if I don't find my dog!"

Once Finland had left, France took out Hanatamago. She barked, whining when she realized Finland didn't hear her.

"Maybe we shouldn't have stolen Finland's dog..." Prussia trailed off.

"We are going to die. At least we had fun," France agreed.

"What? Why are we going to die?" Spain asked.

* * *

An emergency meeting was held. Countries were outraged at the things that were going on. Germany stood. "I believe Romano has something to say," he prompted.

Romano stood. "Don't look at me, you fucking Potato," Romano huffed. "Anyways, I saw _France_," France flinched, "_Prussia_," Prussia winced, "and _Spain_," Spain cringed, "stealing Hanatamago."

Finland got up. "Diediediediediediedie..."

Hanatamago ran into the room, jumping up onto Finland's leg. The Finn instantly reverted back to his normal ways. "Hanatamago, I missed you!" He cried, hugging the dog.

Hungary, Belgium, and Belarus stood. All of them had been beaten up (by each other). "What about our situation?" They asked. Spain grabbed the golden tomato.

"Hey look guys, this is ours! See, 'cause I said it should be in the shape of a tomato!" He cried. France smacked him.

"You idiot!"

Denmark and Netherlands stood up with Ukraine. She held the red and blue hat in her hands. "What about Denmark and Abel-I mean, Netherlands!" Ukraine blushed.

"Hey Gilbert, its your funny hat!" Spain cried again. Prussia punched him.

"You idiot!"

America stood. "What about me?" He shouted. Spain giggled.

"Nobody. Tee hee! That was a good one, you guys!" He laughed. Both kicked him.

"You idiot!"

"Hey, where's Poland?" Lithuania suddenly asked. France and Prussia covered Spain's mouth.

"We don't know," They answered nervously.

"WE DEMAND BLOOD!" the victims ordered. Germany sighed.

* * *

Prussia, France, and Spain hung from three separate flag poles by only their underwear. "At least we had fun?" France asked meekly.

"MY BAAAAAALLS!" Prussia shrieked. Spain stared down at the ground for a moment in silence.

"...hey guys, why are we up here?"

* * *

-and then France went home and had sex with Switzerland for the first time-

because the bad touch trio were being tricksters, I looked up myths about tricksters. most are Greek mytholgy

golden tomato/apple: [Greek] this is the trick that ultimately led to the Trojan War. Eris the goddess of discord showed up uninvited to a wedding, angry that she wasn't invited, and threw a golden apple with "the the fairest" written on it. the apple landed at Hera, Aphrodite, and Athena's feet. (it really shocked me that the goddess of wisdom would do something so stupid as to fight over a dumb golden apple...)

red/blue hat: [?] a trickster god walked in between two villages and so all the left village could see was a blue hat, but the right village could only see a red hat. The villagers fought over what color the hat was and killed each other until no one was left

Nobody: [Greek] Odysseus tricked a cyclops into calling him Nobody which would confuse the other cyclops ("nobody blinded me!") unfortunately, as Odysseus was leaving he revealed his true name, and the cyclops prayed to his father Poseidon god of the sea to kill Odysseus. (and boooy, did Poseidon try!)

telling Poland/the cat that the meeting/feast was held back a few hours/the next day: [Chinese] the rat told the cat that the feast was the following day, which was a lie, and so the cat missed the feast where, afterwards, the twelve animals became zodiac signs. poor cat...

stealing Hanatamago/a sacred cow: [Greek] Hermes stole sacred cows from Apollo, but did not get away with it. technically. he traded the lyre, a musical instrument he made, for the cows, and Apollo accepted. the lyre is now a symbol of Apollo


End file.
